What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
