woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
