Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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