My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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