I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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