mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
