took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
