Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
