Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
