ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
