her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
