I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
