Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
