I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
