Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
