the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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