How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
