I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I stole a fireplace last night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
