So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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