Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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