If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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