I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
