Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
