Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
