That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
