I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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