I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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