we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
