i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
