trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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