She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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