I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
