After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
