There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
