I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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