I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
