My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
