I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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