There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
