I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
