Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had sex on a roof
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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