whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
