Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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