I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
