im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just pynch a tree in the face
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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