I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
