My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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