I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
