Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
