Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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