totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
