If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
