I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
