Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
