she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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