I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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