First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize