So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
